monologue

cliff

2011-08-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

i think he is cool.

alfie

2011-06-06T05:20:00.000-07:00

i genuine agree with the song

What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, Alfie,
then I guess it's wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie,
what will you lend on an old golden rule?
As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie,
I know there's something much more,
something even non-believers can believe in.
I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love we just exist, Alfie.
Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
and you'll find love any day, Alfie, Alfie.

sharpening it

2011-03-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

when i was a kid, i was most afraid of snakes, and because of that, i keep forcing myself to imagine snakes in order to overcome the fear of it based on the logic the more you see it, the more commoner they become and thus the fear will be minimized.

and i was very much afraid of losing, being a loser hurts my ego a lot, therefore i keep telling myself it is OK to lose, and i tell myself so many times that the idea is almost irreversibly stuck in me in hope that the next strike of losing will no longer break my heart. ever again.

and i often spoiled the things i that's important to me to decrease dependency on it, cause i know i cant hold on to it forever, and being very egoistic, i choose to leave it before it leaves me, and i want to prove that without it, i can do better.

and i lower my awareness and consciousness many times to lower of expectation of my life. so that i no longer thinking of achieving that.

my stubbornness and stupidity costs me a lot, my logic was correct but the result was awful, there is nothing up on blurring you senses, only ultimate boredom.

i am sharpening them again. if i am sincere and convincing, they will come back.

they will.

ESP

2011-02-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

i saw the happily married couple in Tesco and i run away!

i stand. i sense. i turn to my back. i saw. i run. eying from far.

extra sensory perception!

amazing.

possible have-to-answer questions running in my mind, excuse finding process yields zero answer.

flight or flee? flee.

i think my behavior was amusing at that point.

1.1.11

2011-01-02T04:19:00.000-08:00

I believe in every first day of the years, our senses are more alive than usual.

The reason being we know this is a new year, the first day of a year, things are gonna be very different from last year, we don't know what are the differences but we want to know them, therefore our senses are more alive to try to pick up clues from the universe.

or the indication of how your year will likely be.

clues could be everywhere, like a person you run into, a conversation you engaged in, how others are treating you, a picture you glanced at, a rhythm you catch and so on so forth.

Some people stay awake to countdown because they don't want to miss the moment when the old year steps into the new year.

they want to feel the difference of the year. right at the moment.

like others, i was picking up clues without realizing i was picking up clues.

my mum was driving me back home, we were talking in the car, a scenario that happens thousands of times in my lifetime, the radio was on, a song came back.

It was 1993.

Suddenly i was transported back in time when i was 8 or 9, when my mum was young, i was a happy boy, she was proud of me and when we used to talk everything.

Everybody was so alive back then, my parents, my grandparents, my uncle, my aunt, my brothers and myself, it flashes back to me in a glance. I saw them. All laughed.

It was before i decided to rebel.

This year will be used to repay part of it to them, to make them happy again, and to work on myself.

helen hoffner - summer of love

Happy new year to you, i wish that what you want will be yours this year, so wish for something really good.

This is going to be a very entertaining year.

how i got them.

2010-12-22T19:39:00.000-08:00

this is how it goes, march 2010, i have decided not to submit what i supposed to submit to the authority, the authority has decided not to give me what they suppose to give me. i opted out.

everyday i immerse myself in books that tells me what it is all about,that human beings are not really this but that, that there is more than this and that shall not be forgotten. Those books gave me some form of comfort, i believe what i read was true, but i responded passively bout it.

then there comes a good friend, two actually, in old town, gave me lecture on what i should do next, drawing the layout for me, asking me to follow, not wanting to see me wasted.

the next day i went for an interview, the day after i started working, i told my friends what i did in my job, some said that was a scam.

i don't believe, she challenge me, challenge my morality, asking me would i really feel guilty about it, i challenge back, questioning her, "how do you know these people aren't right?"

4 months later, i quit, cause the company did not deliver what they promise. i tried calling the boss last month, both numbers unreachable.

then i decided to go freelance, with a partner, in a bombastic marketing plan that challenge the telco giants, legitimate company, promising field, office located in the golden triangle of kl, more plans coupled with actions, and more actions.

Two months and it yields nothing except rumors bout my partner being a scammer.

I opted out, again.

Then i learn to be humble, i took up a honest job, working in helpdesk, servicing local bank. I carry, i climb, i travel, i transfer, i communicate, i take order, i answer question, i meet demands and i eat late lunch.

when the paycheck comes in, that's the time i realized how much energy is needed to be transformed into resources. lesser than that just wont do.

But helpdesk is not really for me, i need a more secure job, i look everywhere, sending numerous applications per day, with zero replies, i was desperate.

i wrote this in the last email i sent:

"i want to work for the company because i don't have a job, and i heard that the industry pays good :)

might not be the perfect reason but at least i am honest."

they called me for interview, three times, and i am employed.

with a real job that signs real contract.

i am thankful of what i got, but i have to be more disciplined because i can't afford to lose this one anymore.

a lot of things to learn, actually.

dionne

2010-11-19T03:15:00.000-08:00

and if only foosl are kind, alfie, then i guess it is wise to be cruel.

hold on, hold on hold on......

Parit Buntar postal service

2010-11-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

Puan Faizah,

Good Morning.

As I am writing this, the contingent has started its journey to parit buntar.

friends waiting to cheer at your wedding.

a gathering of fun, laughter, food, love, memories, awe and friendliness.

sorry for being a lazy friend, i could have gotten my ass out of my chair and starts moving and join them too. i did not.

i know i could have met up with so many of our friends,Ariff, Rus, Mahirah, Jerry, sarah, fat boy keat lim, wey wen, SIFE mate, your brothers abbas and zubair, debate seniors and all. but i did not go.

i wanted to buy an umbrella as your wedding gift, card written "may the both of you walk through your life under the same umbrella. "(cheesy i know, i am a Chinese) but i have not go to any shop.

so i will have to say a few well wishes here as for now,

Happy wedding day, we want to see Ariff and you dance on your grandchildren's wedding day.

May the both of you be blessed with abundance in life.

you have the rest of all my well wishes not written out here.

from,
a lau zhe wei's friend,
Tan Sek Kuan.

p.s. thanks darryl for doing the job of arranging people to the wedding and connecting people. That's important.

a dedication for us who celebrate a wedding today. near or far.

This will be an everlasting love
This will be the one I've waited for
This will be the first time anyone has loved me

I'm so glad you found me in time
And I'm so glad that you've rectified my mind
This will be an everlasting love for me

Loving you is so kind of wonderful
Because you show me just how much you care
You've given me the thrill of a lifetime
And made me believe you've got more thrills to spare, oh
This will be an everlasting love, oh yes, it will now

You've brought a lot of sunshine into my life
You've filled me with happiness I never knew
You gave me more joy than I ever dreamed of
And no one, no one can take the place of you, ooh

This will be, you and me, yes-sir-ee, eternally
Hugging and squeezing and kissing and pleasing
Together, forever, through rain or whatever
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you and me

So long as I'm living, true love I'll be giving
To you I'll be serving 'cause you're so deserving
Hey, you're so deserving, you're so deserving
Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh

Love, love, love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love, love
Love, love, love

From now on
From now on
From now on

make someone happy

2010-09-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy.
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you.
One gal you're everything to.

Fame, if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where's the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you've found her,
Build your world around her.
Make someone happy.
Make just one someone happy
And you will be happy too.

before tomorrow

2010-08-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

before the day ends, before i age one year older, before i am no longer young, i wish to make some apologies.

for the people who cares about me, who thinks of me as friend, who invites me but was ignored by me,i am sorry, i was too self absorbed and ignorant.

for the people who I've disturb and scare, i am sorry, i was selfish of my own feelings that i ignore how you feel.i was rude and insensitive.

for the people who i was talking to but my mind was with something else, i am sorry, i was disrespectful,insincere and discourteous.

one year older does not guarantee one year wiser,

but i will be more conscious.

i need a GPS

2010-07-10T08:03:00.001-07:00

dear God,

those were the happy moments, thank you for letting it happen.

every little things that happened, i am thankful.

i was totally lifted,

i was ashamed that i was trying to catch hold of it, i know i cant, only You can let it happen.

a little bit of luck.

and You did let that happened.

meanwhile, am going back to some dirty businessmen,

mind always has this outrage to be with some corrupted ppl,

heart. not so sure.

bless me, lead me back to the right path, don't let me sway too far.

let me have the intelligence to deal with them.

while friends are working on their paths, let me work on mine.

one day i will be back.

i'll bring gift and smile.

all are happy again.

please let the elixir in me flows again.

i want to see her in my brighter eyes.

2010-06-24T23:49:00.000-07:00

after they demolished the pudu jail, suddenly i feel that i am living in a country without history, or nobody cares about history, i mean, i am not a patriot, i will never love my country to be honest, because

no1. i hate the national anthem, it sucks, and i have a high standard for songs. for 10years + i have been listening to national anthem and sucky speech from the school while all i think of was my bed , the song only reminds you that you've spilled your blood on this land, and maybe in the future, you'll have to spill more.

no2. our country can not produce a star. p ramlee is not a star, he is just a deadman who cant entertain us who the gov with their foolish pride trying to give him stardom to cheat us into believing that the country is good to produce talented and funny people. No. he is not. our malaysians are all boring, ugly , stupid and without our style. we follow other countries, and we follow wrongly, and our comedy are all retarded, you've to lower your intelligence to act in it, and you've to lower much much more to watch it. and they think it is funny. damn. let me give you the most humiliating word ever on a human being, BORING! you are just plain uninteresting, i wonder why life is given to you when you are not even alive!

anyway back to what i want to say, i mean a country without history is what they are trying to put us in,i mean, i can understand, judging by own very low intelligence, obviously 100 years ago we cant build any artsy building that has some color and spans a few floors high like what other countries can do, or what the whole world can do. we can only build something with wood without using nails, and then we become so proud of it and call it istana.

i wonder what the gov see in this land, a land where u can take everything away as long as it makes you richer ?

It's got to be perfect

2010-05-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

It was coming to the end, suddenly you just popped out, until now i still think that was magical.

Steal ve away from love you get lo, bring ve back to lo you get love.

A washed car or an unwashed car you got to remember the car.

I only let you bully, it was so so cute.

Sorry if i've scared you, i only want to get closer, as i promised.

A cup, even if unwashed, is still very good, you can learn how to wash it.

Polka dot is a world where smarter taller people follows not so smart shorter people who tried to block his view.

I never store your pic in my wallet, only leslie cheung did that to momoe yamaguchi, i only stare at you in the dimmed room.

Good bye, good luck and good to know you.

I'm loving it

2010-04-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

first time i saw you, was like walking into Mcdonald's, i was deeply attracted.

days of missing you, was like a kid without enough money for food stand outside Mcdonald's, watching you from far.

a chance to meet you, was like a long queue and finally my turn to place order, but i don't know what to say.

days without you, was like burger without myonis, dull and dry.

days with you, was like french fries found ketchup, sweet and tasty.

when you said that you love me, nuggets look like gold, my life is brighten up.

when you hugged me, the empty cup was replenished with coca-cola, i am recharged.

living together with you, is like eating breakfast at McD's everyday, it makes me feel so young and healthy.

we are bound to be together, like cheese and the cheese burger.

i will love you until the day McDonald's no longer sell burgers.

small little advice.

2010-03-08T01:36:00.000-08:00

1. don't judge other people, don't judge yourself.

2.even if they are boring you don't have to avoid them, be happy with them and if you can find a chance, bring them out.

3.be happy in what you are doing, that's where you generate happiness in your life, not in the future cause it may not come.

4.forgive those who treated you wrongly, they themselves are the victims of some other people who are the victims of some other people.

5.give yourself a small target, try to achieve something small first.

6.yes you can do it, yes you deserve to have it, yes you are just like any other human beings who deserve self respect and pleasure.

8.nobody is stupid, nobody is smart, everybody is unique in his way of thinking.

i have a devil voice

2010-03-02T18:36:00.000-08:00

yes i want to tell you something, that i have a devil's voice, i not sure how to explain it to you, but it sounds like a ghost's voice, and also the WWE wrestler's voice, something like this.

"UUHHHHHH !!!!!ARGgggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!errerhhhhHHHHhhERHHhHHH aaaaAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" -> now you get it.

so there is this Christian group are planing for a Malam Kesempurnaan Krismas or MKK for short( the name tells you why there are more girls than guys in the group, like a lot more than boys.) and they want to have a drama that involves angel and devil and goody goody girl and a bad girl. where do i fit in ? The devil's voice.

yes the background voice, i think it will be very fun, i think i have watch enough cartoons to have ideas of the voices, i think i could help them a little bit, i think they will be fun to be with, and i was right. very right.

doing the vocal is cool, a bit tiring to the throat but no big deal, i realized that i cant pronounce certain words properly in bahasa, i pronounce "r" as "l", cemburu becomes cembulu, rahsia becomes er...."russia" i think. i got it from my mother. i think.

the reward i get for helping out a little bit is meeting a lot and a lot of friends. a few who has treated me very very nice though it is only a recent encounter. a few interesting people who i wish to know more. the debaters came on the night and laugh at people. being treated as a sister, learn a few new words from the Rungus clan. helping to paste posters around UKM in the most outstanding way. learning to fold love shape and stuff. and i witnessed how they prayed which i think is cool.

i learn a lot bout human relationships on that night.like seeing your close friends interacting with their close friends.

then we had supper, 1st supper with the perkeb people. totally strange, i think i sat on the wrong place. let me tell you why.

on my right, there is this girl name Joy who was playing a game called "gambar siapa yang saya ambil?". she will randomly take picture with her fingers and ask you whose pic she took. She played it for like 40 minutes and nobody got it. and she continue to do "kichik kichik kichik kichik kichik" the camera's sound to you and ask the same questions over and over again.

on my left they are not playing a game less stranger, a girl asked "berapakah jumlah 100+28?" and if you answered 128 she will say wrong, the answer is 3. "mengapa?", "kerana donut itu bulat." i dunno what it supposes to mean and how they calculate it, but they played for like 40 minutes. again, another 40 minutes.

then in front of me there is this guy wo aspired to be a stand up comedian and he will tell you his homemade joke like "bagaimana mau buat teh tarik?" then he will blow the bubble into your tea and "tarik" the tea ON the table and tell you this is how they make teh tarik and all his fans will laugh.

i was stuck in the middle, right in the middle of the 3 groups. brain tired unable to process anything, even a small joke i cant catch. and voice tired after spending all energy for the devil's voice, can't even shout back. so i just sit there without any expression for 1 hour.

awesome, strange, funny, inspiring, tiring, romantic, hungry, humid, thankful, lucky, blur, nervous, emotional, powerful, lovely, entertained and friendly. so many adjectives happen in a day.

thanks Joy for inviting, and pull me in when i was at the balcony. thanks for showing so much care for me.

thanks Nernny and Veron for their exceptional work on this, and bearing with my never punctual behavior.

thanks Priscilla and Kelip-Kelip for loving each other and make the performance enjoyable for all.

thanks Rachel for reminding me when it is my turn, and being very friendly to me as a new friend.

thanks beatrice for her funny message that reminds me of who i really am!!!!

so many people to thank i cant finish thanking them so i just ignore they all laaaaa............boring.

back to my normal mode (laid back, ungrateful, carefree, discriminatory, destructive, irritating, vain, male chauvinist, lost) again. :)

things can only get better between us.

fear

2010-02-01T09:46:00.000-08:00

it is like a vacuum inside of me, that sucks me in from within.

like my soul is going to abandon me, yet for another time.

it is something I've experienced before, a fear accompanied by bad omen.

like a good good thing is going to be taken away from me,

something that could make me cry all night,

somehow i don't understand why,

but don't question me, i am not superstitious.

i just don't wanna lose it.

i was unable to transcend the fear when i was young,

now i have slightly a better chance,

but all i want is not to transcend,

but a chance that light will shine upon it and make it all bright and warm inside,

a chance that everybody deserves.

YOU-KNOW-WHO, I HAVE BEEN GOOD FOR THE PASSED FEW TIMES,

AND I PROMISE TO BE GOOD FOR THE NEXT FEW TIMES,

CAN I BE GIVEN THAT ?

i just wanna tell you, you can not beat me, i have been beaten far too many times, and i have nothing to lose.

you think i know what i am writing about ?

2010-01-22T08:46:00.000-08:00

i almost fix it the other day, it connected back, it was all over again.

i see, i feel, everything is just under my control.

but it did not last for long.

then it disconnected, then i fall back.

i could not ask for more.

who ask you to live wrongly, who ask you to keep whining and keep destroying yourself?

chances for you to fix it has come, nature + nurture.

new resolution.

1 last shot ?

but then i don't understand what you are doing here ? you don't enjoy it, you know you can't get anything out of it, then why are you still here ?

maybe only you know. hahahahahhahahahahahha *tears rolling down*

random

2010-01-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

this is such a difficult question, you want to do the right thing, but you can never be sure what is the right thing to do.

you want to say something agreeable, thus you start guessing her mind, but my friend i tell you when you start guessing, then you are on the wrong path.

jokes to cover yourself is a sign that you don't know what to do anymore, but laughing is a good method, like a lion's roar it boost your confidence.

but then behind every laugh hides tears, might not be tears but i am sure it is at least, darkness.

and then you trying to make some progress, but catching the words, by judging the words to tell if you are getting closer or further.

i think this is stupid.

but still you have to do something, doing something stupid is better than doing nothing.

i resort to hahahahahahhahahaha-ness.

please don't watch movies.

seriously, nobody in this world can make you feel warm unconditionally, except the sun. so please go have a sunbath now. that's your way of saying thank you.

moon is evil, the color of the moon is almost unbearable to any human's eyes, but it makes you want to sing.

i guess that's why they call it the blue moon.

McDonald drive-through is as good as Mona Lisa's smile though i don't like chicken burger anymore.

you want to write it, but you don't want to read it, so you write it it in a coded way.

good songs are rare these days, i believe song writers nowadays do their jobs in the toilets.

can you trust a mother's instinct? if you trust it, you got to give the child back to his mother.

you said this is weird and then you smiled, or maybe you smiled first and then you say this is weird.

a king is a king with or without his crown.

why must an old man give advice ? i think a baby can give a better advice.

i can sing your songs, can you sing my songs ?

more and more is coming, what is done can only change your perception.

you are a hard book to read, a hard man too.

a good day is a day when you can sleep and wake up and don't feel like sleeping again.

you never know, you can only keep trying.

i will never give up on making fun of you, you are juicy.

i once dreamed that i stay inside a shopping complex and when i wake up in the middle of the night, i can go take anything i want without paying.

i don't agree with your story, i am going to make a lot of fun out of it.

you are a devil with character.

yes they sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it is better than drinking alone.

good night.

stupid

2010-01-14T08:13:00.000-08:00

lalalallalalal,
should i be stupid? or should i try to be smart ?

i have been stupid for over 20 years, nothing much achieved.

but being stupid is my nature, i love to be stupid.

and nature means that you can't and you don't want to change it.

but who knows if i try to be smart, then i can really become smart!

but it is not that i don't want to be too much on the head, how bout the heart ?

i think being stupid has something beautiful in it, i cant tell but i think it is beautiful.

and even if i try not to be stupid, i am still very stupid.

so i think i will just stick to it.

stupid.

ok.

i don't know

2010-01-12T02:22:00.000-08:00

you thought you are gone, and someone came and tell you that the chances are still alive, and willing to help you to go get it. now i don't know what to do anymore.

it is ok for me to lose in everything, in fact i don't wanna win any, i am addicted to lose.

i like her, guess i could give her a friend.

debate was a desire for people to understand you, i don't think it will be fulfilled.

the need to be needed is indeed a needed need.

rainy days always make you feel lonely, maybe it has nothing to do with the days, you are lonely.

the world is out there waiting for you to connect with it, and you just staying at your home, i think something is not right bout you.

destiny the monster makes me wanna laugh and cry at the same time.

you might make up your mind, but after you wake up from your sleep, you lost it, making up minds require good memory.

everybody is like an ocean that you can never understand, and that's what make a relationships exciting.

mind can produce all kind of rubbishes, like these.

Merry Chirstmas and Happy New Year

2009-12-30T05:01:00.000-08:00

once i look at a beautiful picture,
i felt happy inside,
it was warm and cozy,
and the world was so safe,
and the i grew up,
and i realised that i can not fit into the picture,
the picture was too beautiful, i was not,
and i try very hard trying to fit in,
i failed.
i felt very sad,
and the picture was no longer look beautiful for me,
i hate it.
then one day, a person came into my life,
pat on my shoulder,
told me,
"don't be so self conscious."
i look at the picture,
and i smile again.
what a funny wolrd,
and i glad that i did not get mad.

la vi en rose

2009-11-22T22:22:00.002-08:00

seriously sek kuan,
what are you trying to achieve?
why are you keep listening to that kind of songs ?
you were bored, i can understand that,
you don't feel anything,
but then you turn on the music,
play the songs,
suddenly the feeling is back again,
the feeling that fools you for so many times,
for almost 20 years,
then you become weak for a while,
cause you feeling is back,
they called that kind of feeling jiwang,
and you feel the wind blowing,
and you hold on to your feeling, as if holing on to something valuable.
let me tell you the truth, it is worthless,
it leads you nowhere,
it make you incapable of achieving anything,
it brings you down to you don't know where,
words are just for fun, songs too,
feelings are quite useless.
you can't be serious with something useless,
for too long.

once, i sold my soul.

2009-11-17T18:50:00.000-08:00

once, i sold my soul.
having a soul without having the freedom that allows it makes me very miserable.
thus, i cheap sell my soul.

As times goes by, I've my freedom.
but having the freedom without having the soul that beautifies it makes me equally miserable.
thus, i try to buy back my soul.

Only to discover that my soul is on sale at a much higher price than when i sold it.

for carrot

2009-10-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

dear carrot,

falling in love is a very scary phenomena, i fall in love once at 12 and it was a total havoc. my whole personality changes so much from a polite and reserved boy to someone you are having right now. and i not sure what i will turn into if my heart was broken again.

let me describe my feeling towards her, i think she is fine, just fine. i make her
laugh a lot, but at the same time i feel like kicking her as well, yes, KICKING her.

the way she interact with people is cool and casual, for me it is really healing, cause in my entire life i have been meeting girls who when i try to get close, they RUN AWAY! and that was really SAD for me. but through her i understand, it was not really my PROBLEM that girls run away when i get close, it is because they are really TIMID and refuse to get close to people.

and i am forever thankful to her for showing me the insight.

and everywhere she goes she try to set up a family, it is like totally opposite to my philosophy of life, everywhere i go, i want to remain as an individual. but i am still struggle to understand her on this.

another thing, i always believe that as a child she has ALMOST PERFECTED HER SKILL IN ASKING THINGS FROM ADULTS. she asks, and it makes giving so easy.

i enjoy giving things to people, especially KIDS like her, it is virtuous and fun.
:p

if i were to fall in love again, definitely i will, i will choose a girl who can make me silent, who can make me feel the wind more, who can bring me down to earth, yes, EARTH. falling in love with her will instead shoot me right up to the MOON, MOON, and i don't wanna go to moon, i am already LUNATIC. you see the thing here is EARTH and MOON are totally opposite.

you asked me to treat her well, there is no problem, i can treat her well, hahahahahah.

generally i am a fine guy. but i will still kick her if i can grab my chance.

thank you for thinking for me and concern about my well being, i am glad to have a
friend like you.

but falling in love requires great courage, which i am still cultivating.

am this world is full of so many beautiful people, i am going out to see them, to make friend and make fun of them before i fall, ahahhahaha.

i want to see you as well, be free for me. you still owe me stories about yourself.

blessed,
Tan Sek Kuan

dear body.

2009-10-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

dear body,

this is a sincere apology, i usually don't apologize, until i reckon that i've done
something awfully wrong, now i am here, just you and me, and i am apologising to you.

for the past 10 years, i was unhappy with myself, in a lot of ways. and because of
that, i turn my violence against you.

i remembered how i treated you, when you are full, i stuffed food inside of you, when you are hungry, i ignored you, when you are tired and in need of sleep, i go out and run whole night, when you are thirsty, i eat biscuit, when you in need of some rest and peace, i put on the head phone and turn on the most lousy songs ever, when you are in cheerful mode, i play you the saddest songs and turn you down, when you give me the feel good hormone, i said it was not enough and i wanted more, when you wake me up from my sleep, i refused to wake up, when you tell me that she is a good one, i said "nah, i can get a much better one."

and all of these, and a lot more, are the crimes i have done to you, in collaboration with my mind and ego, we have done some serious crimes to you. and i am awfully sorry now.

yesterday midnight, 3am, i could not sleep, i was talking to you, i asked you a
question, the qestion that i asked you 10 years ago, "what is the only thing you want in your entire life time?", you gave me, the same answer you gave me 10 years ago, "body comfort."

you sounded a bit down, you sounded a bit weak when you answered the question, i can
understand that, the course of the torture has made you very weak, but you answer is
still as sure as the sun rise, body comfort.

i know, i know that body comfort is what i need, that the body comfort can heal the
body, mind and soul at once, and i know that body comfort can make us so healthy, that none of us have to suffer again, and i know whore to get the body comfort you are looking for. i know exactly what you want, and who you want, and i know she can make you so so much healthy by activating you once again.

there are so many parts inside of you waiting to be activated, but her, not by me,
cause the key to activate you is not with me, but with her.

body, mind and soul are on our side now, on our side to get close to her, to make us
healthy, but not ego. ego always don't allow things to happen.

but i promised you, i will get rid of the ego body. so please help me too, please grow very well, cause at this very critical moment, if only we could work body and master and soul and mind together, we could get the body comfort you are looking for.

i was sorry for that past 10 years, we are going to work again, again, this time, none of us will be parted. and i going to kill my ego.

body, your wisdom is greater than mine, and i love you.

from,
master kuan.

there is no reason for being happy and sad

2009-10-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

sometimes you get it,

sometimes you lost it,

i think happiness is a touch,

if you practice more, you can get it,

follow the happy people. they could show you the way, in an unexplainable way.

their beings are the answers.

just a thought.

2009-10-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

i am 24 years old, i can understand why man loves cigarette and alcohol, why man prefer money than love, and why man wants children but don't want wife.

and why man eventually becomes religious, i can now understand.

although i am not totally like agree with them.

man is really funny. hahahahahhahahaha.

scrumpcious life ? yummy.

2009-09-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

accidentally, i found your blog, and i read that you wrote about me, so i am responding now.

dear JGL,

you think that i am funny, and you don't know why. there are a few reasons that MIGHT account for it, and i am going to tell you, but please don't tell other people, because some of the reasons are really embarrassing to tell.

1. if you look carefully, every time i laugh, i actually wanted to cry.

2. when i was very young, i was very naughty(everybody is), and when i was very naughty, my mother caned me(no complain for that, i deserved it), and when i was caned, i cried very loud(i have a lot of anger inside of me since young), and when i cried very loud, the neighbours came and asked, and when the neighbours came and asked, my mum was embarrassed, and when my mum was embarrassed, she still continue to cane me but she asked me not to cry and shut up, but it was very painful for me, and i can not cry,so i get confused of my emotion, and eventually, i LAUGH.

3. when i was young, when i was still trying to figure out what the world is, i was clueless, but when i watched drama trying to figure out what an adult life is like, i was thinking no matter rich or poor, happy or sad, a little joke helps you go through the day easily, that's my first childish philosophy.

4. i make people laugh for a hope that one day, they could make me laugh until i choke. i was hoping to take more than what i give.

5. last but not least, there is a deep fear inside of me, that if i cant even make people laugh, nobody wanna be my friend, I've got nothing else to offer, really.

in reply to this funny post of a funny blog

JANGAN KETAWA di atas pentas! JANGAN! dan juga di dalam PERPUSTAKAAN.

job list 2009

2009-09-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

job list:

1.ship crew
2.waiter at a fancy restaurant
3.actor/actress
4.cook
5.bricklayer, i think it is as easy as playing lego.
6.shop keeper
7.director- for a movie that nobody can understand and i will be called aritistic
8.writer
9. make songs that make all the listeners stupid by listening to them
10. make movies that degrades your moral and make you sleepless at night
11. con artist - if my memories and my intelligence finally decided to get back to me.
12. ILLEGAL broker, I mean IllEGAL, then i can speak hokkien recklessly.
13. gigolo, for one night only, is it ok? sleeping while making money should not just happen in dreams.
14. politician, so that i can widely known for my scandals
15. gambler
16. spiritual leader, so that i can preach bout xxx guiltlessly.
17. own a coffee shop
18. surviving on my 4 younger brother's income.
19. work in kindergarten (i actually like kids, can you believe that? )
20. go to a place where nobody knows me, work on something immoral, and come back rich and glamorous.
21. to be added to the list

i have make up my mind, i dont wanna be a multimedia specialist anymore, above is a list of jobs that i think i should do or my way of supporting my own life in the future. don't be judgemental.

i don't know why i write this

2009-09-06T02:16:00.000-07:00

at this very moment, i am doing something really bad, and naughty, i can't tell you what i am doing, but i know it is bad. enough said.

so the purpose of writing this post is to distract me from doing that evil again, i really mean evil.

recently i find out that i have become much more expressive, or in your very degradory (omg, this word is so canggih, i can't find it in my wordweb) term, talkative. maybe it is because of a new friend that suddenly active me, or the drug that i took, or my sleeping cycle becomes slightly normal, or it is just my nature to be more expressive.

whatsoever it is, i think it is a good thing, i am feeling much more better.

and less crazy, or more?

i think life should not be a struggle, it should be an ecstasy.

this gift of a body is for you to experience the ecstacy! sounds like some religious ideas to you?

i think i really shoud calm down now, bye.

the problem with interesting people.

2009-08-30T00:21:00.000-07:00

in my life i meet quite a number of interesting people.

and i must say i love them much.

but the problem is, you are interested in the interesting person, but the interesting person might not be interested in you.

and starting from kindergarten, i have been trying to capture the attention of the interesting people in my life. until now, i still failing.

and the more you try to capture their attention, the more you lose your coolness, the less they become interested in you.

what a game! that's game where i have been losing in my entire life.

a more interesting person is someone more healthy, more intelligent and most importantly more cheerful than you.

so in order to make them interested in you, you have to be more healthy, more intelligent and more cheerful.

which sounds like a whole project makeover for me!

wish me luck, i feel like the one whose attention i am trying to capture, is the one i fail so many times trying to capture.

feels like going back to kindergarten.

11 auguest 2009, satay kajang.

2009-08-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

there was one part of my life, that i think i can never be serious to anything, that i think a serious relationships is too burdensome, that i think being serious and ambitious is really a kind of psychological sickness, that i think dealig with people with normal and usual ways is very boring, that i started to develop new kind of personality on purpose and on plan so that i could have more fun in my life.

like put on the mask and you turn into someone else.

a joker perhaps.

i don't know what kind of price i have paid for losing my original face, perhaps it is a cost too great for me to know.

there are a few people in this world which i call friends that can induce a hidden personality within me, that everytime i see them, different consciousness arises in me. i think, talk, and act differently.

and i don't know why, i don't even know that is hiding inside of me.

but i am thankful for them to bring it up.

it was very enjoying, for me, only. hahahahahaah.

24 on 21th

2009-08-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

people goes on living because of hope.

everyday they wake up, hoping today will be better than yesterday.

what they are hoping for might be love starting to happen in their lives, strike a lottery, a new personality or even a sudden boost of IQ.

it does not matter what their wishes are, it is the same form of wish to undone what they did in their earlier life and start all over again.

for me, that will be my 24th birthday.

every 12 years is a cycle.

this first 12 years, all is good.

the second 12 years, all is confused.

i am moving to my third 12th years in 21 days.

this time, i am more prepared.

Adam, Eve, and the cake.

2009-07-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

the other day i was thinking of a very philosophical question, the question was where does love comes from? and where is it going to ?

ok, assuming we all come from Adam and Eve, and assuming that the most primitive man can love, the we must accept that Adam and Eve must be the first couple in the world.

i was thinking, the love between Adam and Eve must be 100% pure love, you know why? because Adam don't have much things to love.

He only got Eve and some apples. Logically, he will prefer Eve than those apples. no?

the problem with modern man is that modern man got too many things to love. cars, houses, powers, computer games, songs, movies, books, foods, clothes, gadgets, girls, another girls, and some other girls.

no wonder a modern man never love a girl.

and love is a form of energy, and it is a universal truth that energy is a constant thing, which means it can never be more or less. it could transfer but the amount is always the same.

then the love between Adam and Eve must be of infinitely great because they are the first couple and thus, the must had the whole cake of love.

but when the world is slowly filled up with people, the original cake of love still remain constant but the number of people is adding up exponentially.

6.7 billion of people today will have to share the original cake of love.

and to take into consideration that there are lovely and less lovely people.

no wonder so many people are left out.

modern man is really fucked up.

man in the mirror

2009-07-12T05:10:00.000-07:00

a ball game recently reveals a lot to me the condition of my brain, my reaction was way too slow, spatial intelligence is getting lower, and when my brain has to do a quick calculation on powers, directions and spots, it gets messed up, sometimes.

i was thinking this has something (a lot of things in fact) to do with my sleeping patterns and the chemical i took into my brain, and the whole you-know-what stifling the brain cells activity.

i know in some part of your life, you suddenly wanted to alter your behaviour desperately to change yourself. Nobody knows if it is for better or worse. but just like MJ sings it "if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself ad make that change."

i never wanted to make the world a better place, most of the time, i am thinking quite the contrary.

but to make my own world a better place, i think it was not too much of an asking.

time for a change, and restoration of positive value, before i become like a frog in the water slowly boiling up.

i wanna show you

2009-07-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

nasrudin :" i am drop dead worried, i have been invited to dinner with the royalty, being just a clerk there i am sure that i will be humiliated among all the ministers. what should i do, master?"

master: "just do one imagination."

nasrudin: "imagination?"

master: "imagine everybody in the hall is naked, and you got the biggest gadget among they all."

satan laughing with delight

2009-07-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

you spend some many times trying to destroy yourself and make your life shorter because you are not happy with yourself.

but what if, suddenly, accidentally, you life turns better and you want to live so much more longer ?

i think you should start preparing for that accident.

gigantic filter

2009-07-08T02:35:00.000-07:00

sk A: "here are so many people in the world who wanna teach you about the world, how do you cope with them?"

sk B: "I have a gigantic filter in my ears."

sk A: "Why aren't you listen to them."

sk B: "Becasue i wanna fail by myself."

steroid

2009-06-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

from 1995 to the early of 1997, i was down with kidney failure.

and the only medication my doctor gave me was steroids. a lot of steroid pills.

i was fed with an estimated 1500 steroid pills throughout the years.

because my kidney failure was a recurring one.

i always suspect that steroid has something to do with sex, or sex hormone.

i have no proof, am not a physician.

but i think, to feed a 10 years old child with steroids for 2 years alter his behaviour a lot.

and i can see that in myself.

so if you think that occasionally i have a humsup behaviour, science could explain, probably.

feel like sueing the doctor.

damn.

lazy people defending himself

2009-06-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

recently a friend of mine asked me what i did in the past few months.

i told him i did nothing, then he started to look at me with his eyes wide open and said:"what?!?!?, you are wasting time."

as if what i was doing was some kind of sin.

i don't know what sin really is, but i am pretty sure that i did not create miseries or add more miseries to the already exist misery pool in the world.

and i can prove it in terms of economy:
assuming that working more than enough is a misery, and working for material pursuit which will eventually turn out to be an inferior product because better products are always in the market is another kind of misery, then......

imagine originally, everybody in the world only have to work for 1 hour everyday, and everyone follows it. everybody is on par with each other. everyone is happy, they have their time to work, play and rest.

then suddenly one day, a faggot started to think, if i can work for extra one hour, i can make more money, and with that money, i can get a bigger house, better car and more woman, or perhaps, a more beautiful wife. then he started to work 1 hour extra.

it works!!! but of course, other faggots are not stupid as well, they started to think that if they can work more, they will get what the first faggot get, in fact, more than what he can get. so they started to work extra 1 hour.

it works!!! then other faggots follow. it goes on and on, every time a new generation of faggots come into existence, they work 1 hour more. it makes those who originally work 1 hour unable to make a living out of themselves, and starting to work more and more and turn out to be the other faggots, and now they have lost their time to play and rest!

eventually, everyone lost it!!!

now you see, you are now on this 9-5 chain because of those faggots!!! why not 9-4, 9-3 or even 9-2? because there is always a faggot who is wanting to have a bigger house, faster car and woman with bigger boobs down there working extra one hour in compare to you!!!

and you have no choice but to follow!

and you see, hardworking people actually makes the world a more tensed up place!

lazy people does not make you inferior with a bigger house or a faster car, because they simply don't have it.

if there is a moment in your life where you still can relax by sipping tea and enjoying the breeze, you should really thank the lazy people.

being lazy is not a sin, it might be a kind of sickness, but it only makes its bearer suffer.

damn handsome

2009-06-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

damn handsome

humsup+charming+good boy+childlike+poor little kid that entice sympathy + funny+ baby face that entice motherly love from woman and a lot more= tony leung's smile.

another song

2009-05-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

it feels like alcohol, it feels like a beach, it feels like drinking alcohol on the beach.

not everytime, but sometimes when i listen to this song, it reminds me of waves and ryoko hirosue, the 17 years old of her, not other ages, 17 years old.

it was a great song, but it gets old, just like her.

but i refuse to let them get old in me.

i always wonder what is the state of someone's body chemistry when he/she create a song like this.

is he/she under the influence of drug, alcohol, or tabacco? or is it just a super natural delight?

his whole body must be feeling very good, like all the energy from the sex centre overflows to his whole body.

there must be a black hole in his heart, keep sucking his heart in, and subsequently his whole being, creating a surge of excitement.

even his toes are more alive than your fingers.

every cells are dancing inside.

looking into the beer you see the sea, looking into the sea you see the beer.

one day, i am getting my natural drug back.

MU vs FU

2009-05-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

there will be a football match tonight,
little Wenger is cycling to watch the match, he passes by grandpa Alex house, grandpa Alex is watering his plant outside his house.
instantly grandpa Alex catches hold of him and asks:"where are you going in such a hurry Wenger?"

little Wenger:"i am going to watch a football match."
grandpa Alex, being old and a little deaf, asks again:"i beg your pardon?"
little Wenger raises his voice:" i am going to watch a football match!"

"i see!",grandpa Alex asks again,:"between?"
little Wenger:"Manchester United and Fulham United."
grandpa Alex, still a bit deaf:" what did you just said my dear boy Wenger?"

being slightly hasty and a bit impatient,little Wenger shouted his whole heart out:" MU! FU!"

my cherie amour

2009-05-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

what do u think of the music?

a fish's wish

2009-05-13T04:33:00.000-07:00

like a fish living in the water,
never realised the water is the bliss around it.

longing to go up to the shore,
thinking that more of the thrill is possible there.

now the fish is on the shore,
soon it realised that there is nothing really much there.

the juices are gone,
the fish is dry.

like a child weeping for his spoiled toy,
the fish is longing to go back to the sea again.

so the fish prays to the God,
put me back to the sea again, and let the elixir heal me.

that could be its last wish,
throw me back to the sea, and let the bliss immerse me again.

i am a good boy

2009-05-12T06:38:00.000-07:00

recently i have been reading a book about changing your subconscious mind.

the idea is that does not matter what kind of idea you want your subconscious mind to adopt, as long as you repeat it, you mind will adopt it, and respond to it.

like durig prayer, your mind send the message to the universe, and the universe respond to it. or maybe, it is just your subconcious mind which did the whole trick.

whatsoever it is, i am giving it a try.

the frist thing i did was i wrote down "i am a good guy" 1000 times, after i finish (even before i finish), i started to feel that i've become a good boy, simply by repeatig the words.

now i am a better person.

tmr i will try something new, like" i am a hardowking guy". if that too, works. God knows what ideas else i will be trying on my subconscious mind.

i am elated.

i could be shaped

2009-05-03T00:47:00.000-07:00

recently, i have been trying to make friend to a girl who is 10 times smarter than i am, you might ask, how do you know she is 10 times smarter, ok, i will tell you.

no 1, she is younger than i am and she is a phd student, i am older, and i am unable to graduate, or even think logically.
no 2, i read her blog, everything in it is about biotech and forest, the weird thing is, she did not talk about herself. now i am speculating a correlation between average intelligence and people who like to talk about themselves. for her, logic comes first.

the problem i am facing now is if i were to talk to her, nothing i can talk about. the way of my commnucation with people is, when i say something stupid, it turn out to be funny, and thus, positive communication happens. but with people like her, when i say something stupid, it is still a stupid thing after all.

but i really wanna know her better, she holds the clue to my lifelong questions that i've been asking, like "how much pleasure can one derive from knowing?", "how do choose a direction and stick to it in your entire life?", "what charateristics do a person who love nature possess?" and "how can you not swayed away by things arond you?"

wtf, i am still clueless.

blue moon

2009-04-15T05:48:00.000-07:00

Blue Moon
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue MoonYou knew just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for

And then there suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms will (ever) hold
I heard somebody whisper please adore me
And when I looked to the Moon it turned to gold

Blue Moon
Now I'm no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own

And then there suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms will ever hold
I heard somebody whisper please adore me
And when I looked the Moon had turned to gold

Blue moon
Now I'm no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
Blue moon

Now I'm no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own

original

2009-04-09T02:08:00.000-07:00

maybe it is the weather, or maybe something inside me has changed, these few days i start seeing and noticing things that i don't usually see.

i felt that my eyes are coming back to me.

and the rest of "them" too.

anyway, i was thinking on when am i going to graduate and stuff like that, then suddenly,something funny came up to me, and i am going to tell it.

a few guys went for an interview, and only one can be hired.

interviewer:"so, do you guys have any degree?"

candidate A:"i have a first class degree in aerospace engineering, hire me."
the interviewer was impressed.

candidate B:"i have a double degree in EE and physic, first class of course, hire me."
the interviewer was more impressed.

candidate C:"i have 3 degrees in my resume, completing on my fourth now."
the interviewer was impressed to the max.

"so, what degree do you have?" the interviewer ask candidate D.

not to be outdone, candidate D replies:" i have 2 charges on first degree murder and 2 on second degree."

"so." candidate D asked. "you wanna hire me or them?"

i know it is like uber-lame but it is original.

have a nice day.

when you are gone

2009-04-08T01:15:00.000-07:00

tony leung talking to the soap.

when you are gone, everything in the house is sad.
i try talking to them, telling them don't cry, you will be back soon, but they still crying, they know it is a lie, and so do i......

from door to door

2009-04-05T01:42:00.000-07:00

i was sleeping after a very tired day,

suddenly, i see myself coming to a door,

a door which i have no problem going in long time ago,

a door that is open to spaciousness,

if you are able to go in, you wake up feeling fresh in your mind.

it has been a few years,

since i last get to the behind of that door,

and the doors behind the door.

something from behind was pulling me.

i wonder,

when i will be able to go through the doors again?

i shall be waiting,

patiently.

in the mean time, settle with the less.

HE knows best.

only people who is alive feels bored.

2009-04-03T02:10:00.000-07:00

it is a boring day, with a boring weather, a boring mind, with a boring personality, a boring place, with a boring story.

u know i got a bad addiction right? the one that the government trying so hard to fight, the one they warn you by printing scary label on top of the box. yeah, that's the one.

i've stop it for 1 whole week, i want it no more. cause i do not want it to be an addiction.

but today it come back to me, because of boringness.

i mean boringness kills, that too kills. either way, i will be killed.

i was a bit weak on a faith, and stand, and trust, and state of my mind, and love, and......

i know it will soon be passed, but before it pass......

God, save me.

2009-04-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

just curious? do i look un-OK to you guys? Do i constantly sending out the message to the universe that i am un-0K?
well, this question comes in after i watch the video on "law of attraction". It says something like what you think is what you attract.
just wanna verify that statement.

i am good. things are progressing, not at the speed that is not acceptable by most but i could accept it. i am recovering.

it is like going back to the path which i traveled before, and this time, i know better how not to fall so many times again.

i am happy, excited actually, the brand new me will be arriving soon.

it feels like you know that your lover wrote you a letter and the postman will send it to your front door soon.

but recently, i am having a headache.

maybe it is the weather.

i am fine with it as long as i do not die of it.

the thing is......

2009-03-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

the thing is, every time you get emotional, you lower you awareness.

it works like this,

you get disgusted,

and it does not feel good,

and in order to palliate the disgust,

you lower you awareness in order to feel less,

thus feels less disgusted.

but lowering awareness is something very dangerous, to me, it has proven to be a great cost,

but a disgust is also very disgusting.

the only choice left,

aloof.

Happy V-day

2009-02-13T07:14:00.000-08:00

this is an ancient story, nobody remember its source, nobody remember who said it before, the story is as old as time.

It was said that originally, when God first created man, man was born as a pair, a couple, when the mother give birth, she gives birth both to the baby boy and the baby girl, a pair, no more or less. exactly one boy with one girl.

And the couples grow up together, eat together, go to school together, stay together, fall in love, and starting to have their own children. which also comes in a pair.

things are very simple, guys don't have to send flowers to girls, no need to take them out for dinner or movie, no letter writing.

this works well for a few generations.

until a new generation, a few men started to get unhappy with their original couples, desert them, couple with some body's else couple. It happens that some man get more than one spouses, some man could not get even one, and was extremely sad and lonely.

When God knows about this, HE was furious, and decided to punish man by separating him from his couple. Man was born alone by a mother.

And starting from that day, man will have to search for his twin couple, all by himself.

And it goes on until today, man is still searching.

i lost RM30

2009-02-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

we laugh together,
laugh until we lost ourselves.
even if one day we will have nothing left,
we will still laugh like that,
just like that.

maslow

2009-02-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

everyday i wake up,
trying to climb the pyramid of Maslow,
every night i go to sleep,
finding myself still at the base of the pyramid.

it is taking too long,
every time i go up a bit,
i fall back more than a bit.

yet another unsuccessful day of climbing.
tomorrow,
i will come again.

anyone bring me a ladder or something like that ?

2009, 24, ox, the thrid cycle

2009-02-01T02:23:00.000-08:00

this cny was particularly great for me,
partly because something which i devoid for so long has come back to me,
in great dose.
the laughter was really great,
laugh until i have to roll on the floor and eventually broke something.
maybe i could make people laugh like that, but there are only very few selected people who could make me laugh like that.
and i treasure them a lot.
the collaboration to go ~~tipu~~ makan together with my frens was really working.
first day of cny we started to ~~tipu~~ propose, finally on the sixth day, we managed to get our food.
but on the downside, i lost a lot of money in gambling.
i was losing, but i wanted to test my luck, and thinking that thing might start to change if thing is kept going on, i go on with my bad luck, and eventually, lost until i have no money to play anymore.
the only banker who lost to all 8 gamblers, didn't win a single cent from anyone of them, it's amazing how my bad luck is.
they said it is good, cause they were all happy, and i am the only one sad.
then, i went to tilik nasib, get a below average tilik, and the tilik told me to "defend" throughout the whole year, wait and be patient, soon the cloud will move away from the moon, but that does not mean i will have a bright moon waiting for me, :( guess i've a lot of work to do, but it is ok, i've got some clues on what to work on, hopefully i can stick to the plan.
a bit tak puas hati cause could not spend more time with someone. busy, have to go back to work. busy, have to entertain my stupid friends.

cny was too great, the only thing that is not so great, is i will have to wait 365 days, or more, to have it back again.

live well this year everyone.

and don't offend the tai sui/ grand duke this year.

if not, you might need another 12 years to fix it.

cheers.

oi, spirit

2009-01-18T00:31:00.000-08:00

sk:"spirit, do u sell the manual of life? i wanna buy it."

spirit:"what do u mean by manual of life?"

sk:"a small book, with guidelines on how to live. preferably with pictorial explanation."

spirit:"there is no such book in the world, you dumb ass, you won't get it in the largest book store as well."

sk:"then i think you and your creator are not so great after all."

spirit:"be careful of what you said. i demand explanation."

sk:"we, the human beings, got manual on almost everything we create, manual for tv, washing machine, remote control. everything we create, we make it simple for ppl to use with a small handy explanatory book.

spirit:"oh. so......"

sk:"and you, self proclaimed the creator of all creators, has nth like that to offer? this is the hardest subject, ever, in life, not even a simple guideline ?"

spirit:" you've got your own brain, don't ya?"

sk:" err...... ya, not too impressive, but still functioning. "

spirit: "use it la, dumb ass! and stop complaining."

sk:"......"

my suicidal behaviours

2009-01-14T02:41:00.000-08:00

over these 24 years, i have managed to identify some of my suicidal behaviours which i define will be a great cost to me if i didn't manage to alter it.

1. prefer short term pleasure than long term pleasure.

2. give up, rather easily. (no wonder la)

3. turn off by people, rather easily. (no wonder i dun have much frens la......)

4. problem to stick to a timetable, always trying to rely on my own awareness, which happens to be very low at all times. (oh no!) no discipline at all whatsoever.

5. more inclined to choose the negative.

6. shy. (damn it.)

7. just don't care. (ignorant is the most common of stupidity, why my chinese primary sch never taught me that ? fuck them)

8. listen to too much sad songs, i guess they changes my jubilant mood to gloomy one far too many times. (fuck the song writer.) wonder why there are so little happy songs in the world.

9 dream too much.

10. i got a tiny brain, always suffer from information overload.

ok

2009-01-13T06:10:00.000-08:00

spirit:"the more you want it, the more i dun wanna give it to you, nenenepupu, nenenepupu!"

sk:"...... why ?"

spirit:" you dont deserve it."

sk:"but i am a good boy."

spirit:"not, you are not, you are stupid"

sk:"......"

sk:"why must i wait for so long?"

spirit:"you can choose not to and still you wont get it."

sk:"what if i choose to wait, will i get it at the end of the day?"

spirit:" no promise."

sk:"then......"

spirit:" then what? like that la, what you expect, dont expect too much! "

sk:"ok."

i am not drunk

2009-01-09T09:22:00.000-08:00

why trying to be someone,
which you are not,
when the actual someone,
is so much more better than you effortlessly,

i know you are weird,
and to show it requires a lot of courage,
but this is the destiny,
which you have to fulfil,

the greek says,
"evething beautiful must be natural",
looking at you,
i can see that you are going against the nature.

for too long,
now it must be stop,
today i look at a beautiful man,
i nearly cried upon realising how much i have missed.

*once i asked aliza:" what will you do if one day you woke up discover all your intelligence and memory have been taken away? "
aliza:" i will feel very angry and will strive the most to get them back."

attitudes make a lot of differences.

i am excited

2008-12-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

i am still awake,

am pretty much excited,

it is not like me,

cause i dun usually get excited,

and if you closely examine my life,

you will see there is nothing to be excited about,

what you get is a good laugh,

laugh until the tears roll down,

but i am still excited now,

pretty much excited,

as excited as you when you are involved in some primitive animalistic activities,

because 2009 will be coming soon.

and i have just wasted 2008,

not just 2008

2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003......

i have wasted all of them.

and i am given another year, 2009, to waste too.

and i am very excited, some ppl get excited by wasting money to buy a lot of useless stuff, i get excited by wasting time.

so i am excited.

she

2008-12-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

she is drunk without being alcoholised.

she is tempting without even try.

she is silly but not folly.

and i am in awe of her consciousness.

so i'm offering this simple phrase

2008-12-23T09:36:00.001-08:00

no snow,

most likely rains,

no Santa,

if only you pay,

no jingle bell,

unless if the ice-cream man is still working,

no reindeer,

hounds is what you usually find on the street,

but there is no way,

to stop us from wishing you Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

i guess it must have been a very beautiful night.

because i say so

2008-12-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

a few months ago i made a promise to myself to treat myself better.

by giving myself a higher self value.

and stop losing my life energy to that stupid fucking multimedia device that creates illusion that baffles any sentient beings with consciousness that only function on a very primitive level and thus makes me stupid and insensitive and make me feel like dying after losing it again and again and unable to make up for my losses to to the earth though i know all life energy comes from the earth and it is the ultimate truth that the same energy will flow back to the earth but i also understand that in order to keep the well-being of an organism it is necessary to keep the life energy within the organism until death brings it away from that organism but i just need better reason to retain it to myself and someone or something to remind me that the life energy can be used in a more creative way and not wasted like pouring a precious wine on the ground and let the soil sips it like nobody's business because it will be equal to be ungrateful to nature best gift which were given to you without any imposed condition but the weakness of the organism which makes it hard to keep it within himself constantly create miseries and weariness that should not be existed in the first place and it will be equal to someone fighting with a shadow that never exist and losing all his energy to the illusions and eventually die off fighting against nothing but the projection of his own sick mind which i certainly see as a tragedy as tragic as that of the romeo and juliet and thus will strive my best to shed some light on it to make things brighter and clearer in order to get me out of the whole vicious circle things which costs me too much in my could-be-much-more-beautiful-and-fulfilling life.

so, i am making some progress here.

give me some time, i will be back on track.

positive, i am.

SE W880i black and orange

2008-12-14T02:51:00.000-08:00

i do not like sony ericsson hand phone anymore.

everytime i try to type "love" with the keypad combination of 5,6,8 and 3, the first word that comes out is "loud", no "love".

clearly they thinks that loud/noise happens much more easily than love.

it clogs the overflowing expression of love in the world.

and i dont like it.

another thing, whenver i try to type "fuck", (3,8,2,5), it comes out "duel".

there is no such word as "fuck" in the SE dictionary.

it frustrates me a lot, cause i cant say "fuck you" to my frens as fast and as free as possible.

and thus, i could not establish a proper relationships with them.

i just wanna prove you are

2008-12-13T09:01:00.000-08:00

a man, met a woman in a bar, he decided to go forward to ask for a night.

man:"are you a prostitute?"
woman:" no."
man:" if i pay you 100 bugs, will you follow me to my apartment? "
woman:"no."
man:"how about 200 bugs?"
woman:"no."
man:"1000?"
woman hesitated:"nope."
man:"in that case, I'll give you 2000 bugs."
woman:" OK, deal, when you gonna give me the money?"
man:"actually", the man said:
" i just want to prove that you are a prostitute."

why don't we just go back

2008-12-04T02:31:00.000-08:00

多少的往事
已难追忆
多少的恩怨
已随风而逝
两个世界
几许痴迷
十载的离散
继续相思
这天上人间
可能再聚
听那杜鹃
在林中轻啼
不如归去
不如归去碍…不如归去

a few months ago, i pomised to write/ copy&paste a chinese post, can you guys actually understand the lyric ?

the aftermath of royals 2008

2008-12-03T01:54:00.000-08:00

i hate interesting people,

very much,

the problem with interesting people is you started to miss them badly, after 2 hours of separating with them,

even after spending 3 sleepless nights with them,

it just does not seem to be enough.

and you just can't get enough of them,

they are very addictive,

just like drugs, or cigarette,

and it is not good for heatlh to miss them too much.

especially when they are a group of people,

too strong of a drug,

i hate them very much.

i think

2008-11-28T06:04:00.000-08:00

i think a man can never be with the one he is truly in love.

he can only be with the one he love second or third.

cause if he is really in love he will suddenly stop thinking and cease to respond.

the second of his love is easier to get cause it reminds him of sex.

never for the truely in love.

and for sex, man can become very clever.

love makes him stupid.

vista solution sdn bhd

2008-11-25T09:20:00.001-08:00

i am appraoching the last week of my internships, and just like a jet plane going down when it needs to land, i am going down, very fast.

this 2 days, i have been spending my time playing word challenge in facebook, doing nothing impartant in particualr.

now to count the number of records i have broke in the company.

1. i have the highest average coming late time in the office, among all the staff, earliest i get into the office in by 10 minutes late. i do not have a watch.

2. i used to doze off in between 2.30pm till 4.00pm, approximate the time, but not the length, cause i just could not sit down and do nothing after lunch.

3. i am the first one in the history who put on the headset, playing songs to the max volume during office hour, it usually helps to keep me awake when i listen to songs like "last night i didn't get to sleep at all" by the fifth dimension. i love music.

4. i usually go 3 places to do some banking stuff where other people could do it in 1 place. i get more nice views.

5. i can go and locate the place where they want me to go to provide customer's services, but everytime back and forth on different routes. i never remember map.

i was just too tired to give them good responses after a few months working with them. it is not their problem, it is me, generally i get bored easily.

but i must thank them for providing me with a chance.

at such a great cost to them.

aliza is stupid

2008-11-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

my friend aliza smsed me.

aliza: "Im FUKING BORED la..seriously want 2 blow off my brain oredi, come let's go makan la, you belanja."

me: "huh? i never know that you got a friend named Bo-red , you never introduce to me? "

im sorry, but it makes me laugh.

if the white king in Alice in wonderland can mistaken "nobody" as somebody, why can't the "bored" be somebody's name?

how do you know the other world is a scary place

2008-11-05T22:23:00.001-08:00

One day a visitor came to Mullah Nasruddin with a question.
- Mullah Nasruddin, the place that we humans come from and the place that we go to, what is it like?
- Oh, said Mullah Nasruddin, it is a very frightening place.
- Why do you say that? the visitor asked.
- Well, when we come from there as babies, we are crying, and when somebody has to go there, everybody cries.

2008-11-04T07:56:00.000-08:00

people who grow well, stay well, i am coming after you.

from the last class to the first class

2008-10-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

OMFG, i found my fren on the internet with my fucking internet explorer.

i know you not gonna believe me, you not gonna believe a cheapskate like me who used to tipu makan and tell you some dirty jokes on the dining table actually got a first class fren like this.

but i am not shitting you, take a look at this and read on.

Hi Meng Fai, first of all, we wish to congratulate you for obtaining 1st class honour in LLB.

Q: Can you tell us about yourself?

A: I come from a family of four, me being the eldest and I am from KL. I had my primary education in SRJK (C) Sentul and secondary education In Methodist Boys Secondary School Kuala Lumpur. I did my LLB in Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia.

Q: Did you expect that you would be graduating with a 1st class degree? How did you feel when you came to know about your results?

A: I did not really expect to graduate with 1st class as I did not put a lot of emphasis on the results. I believe that results do not define how good a lawyer you are. But nonetheless, I was excited to know about my result.

Q: How many of your classmates managed to graduate with a 1st class degree this year? Who are they?

A: There are four of us who graduated with 1st class. They are Chai Wai Hong, Chin Hui Juin, Lee Fong Ling and I.

Q: We also understand that you have also been awarded with UKM’s “Anugerah DiRaja” during the recent Convocation Ceremony held on 9 August 2008. Can you briefly explain about the award and what are the criteria to receive such an award? Can you list down some of your achievements that helped you win this award?

A: This Award is given by the Chancellor of UKM to acknowledge the achievements of students who excel in academic as well as co-curriculum activities. The award is given to two students who has achieve results higher than 3.67 and has exhibited leadership qualities during their course of study. I believe that my experience in debating and mooting has helped a lot in this area. Among others, I participated in the Asian Law Students Conference in Jakarta and UKM won the debating tournament and I won the Best Debater award. I have also won the Inter University law faculty Bahasa Malaysia Debate. My other experience is participating in other Asian Level conference and tournaments would have scored points too.

Q: Can you share some secrets/tips for achieving excellent academic results?

I believe that there is no one secret that works for all. I guess it is about finding out how you work best and never put too much pressure on yourself. You need not compare yourself to everyone, just do what you can and make sure it is always your personal best.

Q: Do you think that extra-curricular activities are important? Why?

A: I think that it is very important to equip yourself with the real challenges in life. It allows you to be exposed to other areas which are not made as your syllabus, and along the way, it helps to build your other qualities like leadership, inter-personal skills, planning and etc. You will discover your strengths and weakness that you never knew you had.

Q: What is your main motivation in your studies? Were you inspired by anyone or anything?

A: It would have to be my parents and family. They have given up so much for me and it is only right that I make them proud. It is vital that I let my parents know that they need not worry about my future. Besides that, all my teachers and lectures have given so much dedication in educating me and I have to do them justice too. One more dream would be to prove that local universities especially UKM is not like what is perceived as of lower standard than foreign universities. We are on par and can too contribute to the nation in our own way. Changing this perception has pushed me to work harder.

Q: Where are you chambering now?

A: Messrs Sivananthan.

Q: Why did you choose to chamber there instead of a bigger firm? I am sure with your qualifications; there would be no problem for you to secure a chambering position in one of the large firms.

A: That is because I believe in the firm’s integrity and the quality in their work. I believe that any firm whatever its size will offer you something to learn. I am interested in doing building and construction law and this firm as well as my master provide me the opportunity to venture into this area.

Q: Do you find practising law and studying law different? If yes, what are the main differences?

A: Definitely. In studying law, we are only thinking about what the law is and even more so when answering exam questions as we are only concern in one area of law. In practice, we need to take into consideration of the client’s interest, the context of the situation, strategies and many other factors. Sometimes what the client wants might not be what is best for them and the whole aspect of dealing with clients is also an area that is not thought in universities.

Q: How do you see yourself career wise in 5 years time from now?

A: Hopefully in the current field that I am pursuing. I hope to be able to make a mark in this field.

Q: It now seems to be a trend to work abroad. Would you consider working abroad in the future? If yes, where?

A: Not in the near future. I am contended with what I am learning now and I believe that there is still much to be learned.

Q: What is your view on recent Malaysian politic climate?

A: I think that there is a healthy growth as people are exercising their rights more carefully and especially the younger generation, who are now more aware of the current situation. We use to just vote without deeper analysis and information, but the current situation has really allowed political awareness to grow and mature.

basically the whole article.

this is the man who once encouraged me by saying to me:"

you are a nice bowl of noodle, just that you don't have
the packaging. "

(in cantonese)

and that was really sweet to me.

amaran dari kerajaan, merokok membahayakan kesihatan, unless if you pay tax

2008-10-29T23:13:00.001-07:00

wtf the government is trying to do, wtf the government doing something against the cigarette, wtf they want to have canserous picture on the package. i mean wtf la.

the price hike is ok, make the price higher only make the cigaratte a more exclusive enjoyment, we are all fine with that, but the picture on top of the box......

disgusting, i can''t believe these ppl do not have any repect for the cigarette !

i know i know, i know why Dr.Liow wants to go against our poor little tabacco friend, if i were in his posotion i will do that as well, a M.D degree, a minister, a lot of money, a lot of power, maybe a lot of female friends, of course a person like him don't smoke la, a lot of things to enjoy ma, a person like him sure want to live long long one, cause he lives very comfortable ma.
but he dun understand ppl like us who takes life as a suffering, life is too hard for us, a bit too long as well, money is too less for us. too hard to chase as well.

we do not want to live so longgggggg...........

cause we do not want to get old. we are as happy and as young and as sexual as we are now, when we are old, everything will be gone.

and the more impotant thing is, tony leung smokes ,hugh grant smokes, anday lau smokes, leonardo di caprio smoke, everybody smokes.

it is ok you wanna play with the cigaratte box it is ok, ti is ok you want to put some disgusting pic on it, it is ok.

cause we will buy a really cool casing to counter that, something like this

to cater for the rich and luxurios taste
or this: to cater for the young and dangerous.

musican smokes, actor smokes, director smokes, poet smokes, artist smokes, even albert einstein smokes a pipe.

if ppl wanna die, they should be allowed, unless you can make them happier, or else why live so long ?

i am confident that our capitalists can do sth against the government and restore the respect to the additives.

3

2008-10-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

Three names you go by :
kuan
taiko - called by my lovers from ukm
figo - no bluff you one, my footie frens from the pasar fc actually call me that .

Three screen names you have had :
nope, never have one.

Three physical things you don't like about yourself :
i think it is a bit diheartening to answer this question, basically a religiou man loves every part of his body.

Three parts of your heritage :
hokkien
teowchew
i used to think that i was a japanese army who is respobsible for abducting hundreds of lives in my pass life.

Three things that scare you :
only 1, the idea that 20 years or 30 years later, i will still be living like i am now really freak me out.

Three of your everyday essentials :
music
milo
some activities that start with a "M"

Three things are you wearing now :
er..... a boring question for me

Three of my favourite bands or musical arts :
what's in my mind now,
the commodore - i'm easy like sunday morningggg
delfonic - la la la la la la la la la means i love you
the pretenders - who can explain the thunder and rain but there something in the airrr.....

Three of your favourite songs (right now):
but not for me - anyone who can sing it

Three things you want in a relationship :
arrrgggghhhh eerrrrrr ooorrrrrr
it is not a question that can be answered

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you :
1 thing, whole body

Three of your hobbies :
no hobby, basically a boring type

Three things you wanna do really badly right now :
holidays
irritate some serious guys
get sick

Three careers you're considering/considered before :
conman - but they say i am too stupid for that
policeman - they question my ability to protect myself
multimedia specialist - they ask me what kind of multimedia software i know

Three places you want to go on vacation :
i have a small GPRS database, but the khajuraho temple, india will be a great one.

Three things you want to do before you die :
go back to my birthplace, look at the people who has connection with me when i am alive, say good bye if things allowed, think of a unique position to die.

first prayer

2008-10-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

i never do a prayer to god or sth, but since i am now staying in a church, i decided to do it, who knows maybe god will really be listening to me, be friendly to me, maybe HE/SHE (is sex really an issue here?) will try to fulfill my need just to make me join his fan's club, aka the christian society, so i was thinking no harm, it does not contradict with my priciple (since i don't really have one).
so this is mine.

"Oh god, i have heard bout you for a long time, i bet you know my name as well, in case if you don't know, you can peep into my ic.
i am not like the others, who only think of you only when something awful happen to them when they shout: "oh my god! " or those who tries to sexualise you by shouting:" oh my fucking god!", or those who tires to blame everything on you by complaining "god must have abandon us!" i am not like them, i only talk to you when i got a request or sth, i will never bother you in any other time since i know you'll be probably busy or sth."

but this few days i am not very happy, a lot of things that should not happen happend, and a lot more that should have haven't, i bet you dun wanna listen to them, same old story that they've been telling you over and over again.

i was thinkng, maybe a small amout of money could make me forget about my sorrow for a while. i mean, i was buying lotteries, you don't have to make me kena the lottery, it is a bit hard, just make sure the number on my ticket is the same number that will be on the next draw, i will take care of the rest. is that alright with you?

just a common desire, about my own dark uncommon desire, i dun really dare to ask you now cause we are not yet very aquainted, maybe i will ask you someday, but it is not very polite to ask now.

so tmr, the next draw, ok?

in return i will spend all the money of someone else, to make the someone happy.

i guess that's all for today. goin to sleep now, good night.

kill me

2008-10-28T06:17:00.001-07:00

my mind is kiiling me, so it is like this, either i kill my mind, or my mind gonna kill me.

for the weary, but not for me

2008-10-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

They're writing songs of love,
but not for me.
A lucky star's above,
but not for me.
With love to lead the wayI've found more clouds of greythan any Russain play could guarantee.
I was a fool to fall and get that way;
Heigh-ho! Alas! And also, lack-a-day!
Although I can't dismiss the mem'ry of his kiss,
I guess he's mot for me.

He's knocking on a door,
but not for me.
He'll plan a two by four,
but not for me.
I know that love's a game;
I'm puzzled, just the same,
was I the moth or flame?
I'm all at sea.
It all began so well, but what an end!
This is the time a feller needs a friend,
when ev'ry happy plot ends with the marriage knot,
and there's no knot for me.

*George and Ira Gershwin*